The Woman
Holding the Keys

Locktober and No Nut November have gone mainstream almost simultaneously. The manosphere is selling “semen retention” using the same abstinence framework the kink community has practiced for decades. What is your read on what is happening culturally?

“I think it is one of the good things about the manosphere. One of the few good things, obviously. I am not coming from a place of like let us red pill everyone. But men need direction. There is a submissive at their core. That is who they are. And we as a society have basically obliterated their cultural identity.”

“I am not here trying to say we need to go back to traditional gender roles or that people have to be the sex they are assigned at birth or whatever. I do not care how you want to dress or what is inside your pants. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the actual systems inside your body, the way your brain develops, and the actual hormones that are going on.”

“We have got all these issues. Both sexes, our hormones are fucked up because we have fucked up the environment. We have got all these plastics inside of our ovaries, inside of our testicles, inside of our brains. Everything is just fucked up. We have seen this before. We have seen generations where everyone was messed up because everyone was ingesting lead. And now everyone is messed up because everybody is ingesting plastic and you cannot get away from it.”

“And then at the same time, we have dismantled the thing that testosterone makes men do. It makes men want to behave in a way that assimilates with cultural expectations. There are studies on this. This is how it makes men behave. It is how it makes a lot of different mammals behave when they are male: they behave the way that they are expected to behave based on the society that surrounds them.”

“Men with higher levels of testosterone are more conforming. Men with higher levels of testosterone are taller, they are more likely to be bald. Have you noticed a tendency for men who are tall and bald to be fairly successful in life? Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that they tend to conform with societal standards? They give society what society wants from them and then they are rewarded for it.”

“So what we have done as a society is we basically dismantled the concept of masculinity. We have vilified so many parts of it to the point that young men and even fully grown men have no idea what they are supposed to be doing. They are not sure how to behave. They are not sure who they are supposed to be. So rather than bringing them to be whoever they want to be, we basically sent them into this purgatory of: there are no expectations of me, so therefore there is no way for me to succeed, so I do not know what to do. And also there is just abundant amounts of free pornography and there is not really any societal expectation that I avoid it any longer. So I am just going to sit in my room and jerk off because I do not know what else to do with my life.”

“So no, I do not appreciate the manosphere when you get all the way up to red pilling. But when they are talking about things like no fap, when they are going into semen retention, when they are talking about self-discipline and taking responsibility for yourself, I have to give them props for that. Men need direction, especially young men. They do not know who they are supposed to be and they do not have any role models left.”

“Men need direction. There is a submissive in them. You cannot just leave them to their own devices. They have to be given a goal. If you give them a goal, if you tell them what to do, if you tell them what is expected of them, they will thrive.”

“Because they love that. They want to meet your expectations, especially if you are a beautiful, commanding woman. And it has nothing to do with age. It does not always have anything to do with sex. It just has to do with the fact that they like to please women. If they are emotionally and hormonally healthy, men, whether they are gay or straight, they like to please women. It is their natural state.”

The structure you build for submissives goes far beyond “wear a cage and report to Me.” You are tracking health indicators, running personality assessments, assigning tasks calibrated to individual psychology, guiding people in building businesses, monitoring sleep. That sounds less like a kink service and more like a complete personal development framework with D/s as the operating system.

“Yes, it is. If you strip away all the BDSM, essentially, you could just have a normal everyday vanilla system. The system itself would not be an everyday system because it is quite masterful, but you get what I am saying. It is not some creepy magical mysterious thing. BDSM is just human psychology. People are into weird kinky shit because people are into weird shit. We are so fucking weird. And yet at the same time we are so simple and so similar and the vast majority of us are programmed in exactly the same way.”

When you say the vast majority, you are talking about more than just the subpopulation of self-identified submissive men?

“Yes. We are talking about the general population. Not just the subpopulation of submissive males, quote unquote. The vast majority of men are totally submissive. That is how hierarchy works. That is how human beings and primates organize ourselves. Whether you have a woman or a male at the head of it, we are going to be in a hierarchy. You cannot function with an eight-billion-headed snake, which is what we are trying more and more every day, which is a big part of some of the problems we are running into.”

You mentioned that the mechanism works regardless of sexual orientation. That seems like an important point.

“Gay men who come and work with me benefit just as much from doing chastity, well really keyholding, with me as straight men do.”

“We all imprint on women as caregivers. And I am not trying to pigeonhole women as nurturing caregivers. I hate when people are like ‘oh Mommy,’ it disgusts me. That is not what I am trying to say. But the reality is psychologically we have these experiences in our lives and they influence who we are and how we relate to everything that ever happens to us for the rest of our lives. And the vast majority of us have an imprint, whether it is on our mom or female teachers or female caregivers, where we want their approval. We want them to be there to protect us, on a certain level, because we have this ingrained knowledge from childhood that if we do not have their approval we will be left alone and we are literally going to die. That is the psychological program that is happening.”

“And that gets carried into adulthood. Into just generally everybody wanting female approval over male approval overall. Until patriarchy bastardizes it. But we still cannot even get over it. That is the thing. That is what keeps rearing up and keeps coming back, because it is so ingrained in how we evolved and it is so ingrained in how we develop in our formative years.”

Does the fact that this mechanism is orientation-independent change how you work with a gay submissive versus a straight one?

“Because of the nature of the customization level and the personalization level that I try to give to every one of my clients, it does not really change if they are gay, if they are straight, if they are bi, if they are married. It does not matter. Because unless they are severely, like 1 percent of the population level, psychologically differentiated, their psychology and physiology is going to work within a certain standardization level for all men.”

“And when I do intake I personalize it. I get the information that I need. And it does not even take that big of a depth of personal customization, with the exception of… it is one of those things where it looks easy from the outside but there are like a thousand calculations going on inside my head when I am getting these little pieces of information. And I am like, okay, this is what is going to be driving him here, and this is what is going to be motivating him here, and this is what I need to do here, and he is also going to throw a tantrum at this point because he is going to struggle with this issue, so I need to be prepared for that.”

You have a training course called Find Your Perfect Dominant that was distilled from the two-year in-person training process you use with your own submissives. The biggest complaint from submissives, you said, is that they cannot find a real dominant. Is the problem actually a shortage of real dominants, or is the problem that most submissives are showing up unprepared?

“A lot of people have this romanticized idea. And it does not matter whether it is BDSM or vanilla or whatever. They are like, I am going to find someone and they are going to be my soulmate and they are going to love me unconditionally and it is going to be beautiful. We are going to recognize each other immediately as soon as we encounter each other and fall in love and live happily ever after.”

“Unconditional love is for children. I will say it again. Unconditional love is only for children.”

“I am trying to recall where I first heard that, she was giving a great speech in the bar we were in at 2am in NorCal.”

“So if you show up to any relationship expecting that you are just going to be loved unconditionally, having done no work on yourself, being unwilling to take responsibility for your actions and your behavior on a really deep level, not the surface stuff but the actual direction of your life, the way you are actually coming across to other people, whether or not you are happy, whether or not you feel like you are actually encountering self-actualization or at least on the path toward it… really, are you the type of person anybody wants to be with?”

“If we were to make an exact duplicate of you and change the gender, and that person does the exact same level of effort, they have the exact same level of attractiveness, the exact same level of income, they put in the exact same level of consideration and care into the relationship… is that the way you would want someone to treat you? Is it the same level of effort?”

“And most of them are like, no. I am just a shiny sparkly submissive and I am just here for you to get me off by being a kink dispenser and doing all the things that I have imagined while I have been jerking off. And I have not actually really thought about any of this. And now I am terrified because I just realized I have no idea what BDSM actually is and I am just a horny idiot that only knows porn.”

You are saying there is a meaningful difference between a man who has been conditioned by porn to have an arousal response to specific imagery and a man who is genuinely submissive in his psychological architecture.

“Yes, exactly. And that is what so much of my introductory content is designed to help them understand. That is a big part of my ‘What Type of Submissive Are You’ quiz. It has 35 different results. There is so much underlying psychology baked in there. You do not even know how much is going on when I look at the stats on the back end, all the stuff that I can see from the breakdown of the different people that I draw in and what type of submissive they are.”

“That quiz is going through whether not even just what type of submissive they are, but how experienced they are. And the other thing is it does not assume that they actually are submissive. The quiz actually does assume that they may not be. And so I can see there is a good portion of people that come in and it is like… that person is actually not at all submissive.”

“They think that they are. They are not. It is certainly not a diagnosis, but I can see a decent percentage of them are actually pathologically controlling.”

You took a two-year in-person training process and distilled it into a course. But you deliberately stripped out your personal preferences and protocols so you would not install habits that a future dominant might find annoying. That means you built a product that trains people to be good submissives for someone who is not necessarily you. Why?

“I basically separated them out. You can go and do Find Your Perfect Dominant training first. That is all the initial stuff that is not necessarily personalized to me. It gets you ready to feel confident that you could go out and safely find an actual dominant that is going to be well-aligned with you, and that you are going to be able to offer something to, so they will be like, oh yeah, I actually want to keep you around.”

“Because the other thing is, just because somebody is here offering themselves as a submissive or a slave does not mean that adds any value. A lot of them are super annoying and a huge waste of time that do not actually add any benefit to my life whatsoever and I really want nothing to do with them.”

“But those are not typically the people that take my course. Regardless, just because they are someone who could make a great submissive does not mean they are going to be a great submissive, let alone a slave, for me. Because they might like things that I do not like. They might have a whole different flavor of submission that they are looking for that is not my thing. That is why I tried to make the Find Your Perfect Dominant general. Obviously it is based on my training and being taught by me, so my flavor is going to be injected. But I take the time to pause and say, hey, this is how I do it because I find this works best for me, other people might do it this way or this way, you need to try and find out what works for you.”

“When people go through that, they are going to get a sense of whether or not they like me as a dominant. And if they at that stage are like, oh my God, she is amazing, I want more of her, then great. We can start interacting one on one if they are qualified for it. And we are actually going to have a compatible relationship based on our personalities and our interests. Not just based on they gave me money.”

“Conversely, if they were not for me, that does not mean I do not want them to be successful. They might be the most perfect submissive that another dominant has been dreaming of her entire life. And my training finally gets that submissive confident enough and clear enough on how to go about this that they finally find her.”

Is the work specifically for people in BDSM?

“My work is built for people who want to build something real in the relationship, whether or not they decide to include BDSM.”

What do you mean by that?

“There is so much well-known relationship psychology in the community that is only backed up by what scientific research is just now scratching the surface of. We are lucky to be alive at a time when sexuality has become acceptable enough for a few dedicated scientists to do actual long-term research on BDSM and D/s dynamics directly.”

And what has that research shown?

“That this is all just sex and power like any other humans anyway, only we are being more open about it. We have got decades of community knowledge, decades of research, the internet to connect with and learn from each other.”

So people have access to better information than ever.

“And we mostly just use it for porn instead.”

She pauses.

“It is not nearly as satisfying as the real thing with actual psychological backing in how the whole thing is carried out. Not even close.”

If there is one thing you want the person who just found this interview to walk away understanding, something that would save both of you time when they eventually reach out, what is it?

“Well, hopefully by now that is obvious. Come find Me. Let us have some fun. It will change your life.”